Undeserved
by flaymzofice
Summary: Even at his worst, Max never thought she couldn't trust him. But now he has proven she can't. Can she ever forgive him? Moreover, can he ever forgive himself?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is just a piece I randomly started writing half an hour ago. It's semi-autobiographical except well, in the DA verse with all the circumstances changed and all the motives different, for obvious reasons. I don't know where it's going, and I don't know how it will end - that all depends where real life goes. Let me know what you think - of either situation. And just because it's based in real life doesn't mean you can't be critical so feel free.**

**Chapter 1**

Max stared, stunned. She hardly dare say 'what' for fear of the answer she refused to believe being repeated. But she couldn't keep the natural reaction at bay.

"What?"

He said nothing, knowing he didn't need to say it again. She had heard him perfectly clearly the first time. He forced himself to look at her, knowing the anger would soon surface in those brown eyes that would no longer look at him with mildly irritated warmth.

Nobody had forced him to tell her. He could have done the cowardly thing and let her find out from someone else. But he couldn't see her and pretend he had done no wrong. He couldn't hold himself straight knowing he hid such a terrible secret. If nothing else, he owed it to her to tell her himself.

"You…_let_ him?" Max forced out after a silence that stretched beyond the thousand mile hit zone of the Pulse.

Alec glanced away, unable to meet the hurt disbelief in her eyes. But looked back at her moments later. He had set off a chain of events he could not stop and the least he could was stay the course of his chosen actions.

His silence confirmed what she still couldn't bring herself to believe to be true. It was Alec. He wasn't hers…but he was her Alec. Disreputable, charming, ruthless and charismatic. He had failed her on numerous occasions and she had had to bail him out on numerous more. But never had she ever thought him capable of such a catastrophic breach of trust.

"Max, I don't know where to begin apologising," Alec begun before stopping when she seemed to open her mouth to speak. But words appeared lost on her. She didn't look able to string any coherent thoughts together amidst the shock of what he had just told her.

So Alec just stared at her, wondering how to even begin fixing this. His mind was swimming in confusion, incomprehension, questions, theories and apologies. But worst of all, he knew as God awful as he felt now, he didn't nearly feel awful enough.

Max stared into nothing, her mind still attempting to make sense of the blow he had just dealt her. Even her enhanced transgenic brain couldn't work fast enough to process the full implications of what this all meant.

It was more than just the simple act of killing a man. It was who had died. And at the hands of whom that life had been taken. It was the rights which had been stolen. The rights Alec had taken upon himself to delegate to others. Others who had no place committing the acts they had committed. Others who had no place suffering for those acts.

Max turned to look at Alec. His hazel green eyes were so familiar, they resonated with such resemblance to those she had once known. The indefinable tug at the corners of his mouth was not to be found but at one time she would have known exactly what could set it off. Did she still know? Was he the same Alec she had ever known? Had she ever known him at all?

Maybe she had been wrong all along. Maybe even at the worst she thought him, maybe even those belittling thoughts were still too good for him.

"I just," she paused again, still reeling. Her brows were knitted in a frown, her eyes far off and unfocussed on him.

Alec sat. He waited. Whatever she had to say, he knew it would hurt. It would sting like the punches and kicks she was fully capable of. It would sting worse because he had done everything to deserve it. This was all his own doing. All those other times Max took her anger out on him, he tolerated it knowing he was only partly to blame, that there were other factors, that he shared the fault. That some part of him remained innocent. Not so now. This time, it was all him. He had nothing left untouched. Nothing left untainted by an act of his own stupidity. But not an act. An omission.

"I just, don't understand how I could have got it so wrong. To have judged you so wrongly," Max said, almost to herself.

She finally looked him in the eyes, trying to fathom some possibility that he was simply being over heroic, trying to assume more blame than that which lay at his door. Trying to _excuse_ him because she simply couldn't bring herself to believe he was capable of something like this.

Maybe it was a misunderstanding. No, maybe he had done as much as he could but not tried as hard as he could have and was exaggerating his role in it. Maybe he was simply trying to cover up for Joshua.

"It was a mistake Max, a stupid mistake. I didn't think," Alec told her, trying to keep his voice steady, to hide the tearing pain inside the heart he didn't know could hurt so much.

He knew keeping calm, keeping his head on his shoulders and trying to be rational about it would infuriate her. But there was nothing else he could be. If he was anything less than composed, he would crack and break. Crack and break beyond fixing. He would lose the entire mould of himself that he had spent so long building, so tirelessly learning to live in. He would lose grip of the very essence of himself that he could feel slipping through his fingers.

"That only makes it worse, that you valued this friendship so little that it wasn't worth a moment of thought," Max said, not accusingly but the harshness in her voice he expected all along, suddenly finding its way back from the shock.

"I don't, you have no idea how much I value our friendship. I just, didn't think," Alec finished lamely, not knowing what words to use to impress on her the distinction he was trying to make.

It wasn't that he didn't think because the friendship he shared with Max wasn't important to him. It was a momentary lapse attributable and connected to nothing. It was a mistake purely in its own standing.

**A/N 2: It started out as a one shot...but I guess I've been reading too much Dazedizzy :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I seem to have an innate inability to keep things simple and following. Sorry. I assure you (re: Kiwi), you will find out who died. You might be able to guess by the end of this chapter. If not, you shall not have to wait too long...I hope. Reviews welcome.**

**Chapter 2**

It was ironic. She was infamous for her hatred of the Seattle weather. It rained more often than was necessary. But how she wished it would rain now. The heat was intolerable, like a blanket of nothing swallowing her in its breath. It was suffocating.

Max drew a dirty streak across her forehead as she wiped the back of palm against it in an attempt to feel less greasy. It failed miserably and succeeded only in fuelling her irritation. They were stood over a map of the latest pharmaceutical facility to have its name making rounds in the underground supply of high demand drugs. It was a fad that would continue so long as monopoly wars were waged. This one would only be in operation as long as it took the Russians and Chinese to send enough thugs over to secure the perimeters. After that, it was time to find new suppliers.

It was a hit that required attention to detail and very carefully selected personnel. This company had learnt from the mistakes of its rival predecessors as they were all wont to do. Security was as good as it could be before another flaw was exploited.

"For the last time, stop!" Max finally snapped, the combination of the heat and the juvenile behaviour of Mole and Biggs setting her off.

"Last time? When was the first warning?" Mole wanted to know, chewing on his cigar innocently.

"You might not need tryptophan but you still need iodine for water so unless you plan on drinking it untreated, focus!" Max told him, her voice rising.

"Because you're the only one with your mind on the job?" Mole queried.

Max opened her mouth to retort but a strange look crossed her eyes before she was on the floor.

* * *

"Alec?"

The young X5 turned at the sound of the familiar voice, his eyes closing momentarily. He had forgotten, for the briefest of seconds, of the conversation he had had with Logan only two days ago. The one where Alec potentially stood to inherit the responsibility of providing Terminal City with supplies. If Logan said yes, it would be more than a show for posterity. It would amount to acknowledgement from the older man that Alec had more than earned his right to be trusted.

And Alec had only proven himself to be untrustworthy. It didn't take a huge stretch of his imagination to know why Logan had come to his apartment.

He appeared never to care for the Ordinary. But deep down, Alec was sure he would not dismiss being well regarded by Logan. He was so idealistic, impractical as a result, but always pushing for something better, working almost selflessly for others in his quest for justice. A thankless task and more than a little pointless in Alec's eyes but Logan did it anyway.

He wasn't stupid; if he was honest, some part of Alec thought Logan did it to serve his own unspoken need of heroism. To feel like he was saving someone. Saving the world one helpless individual at a time. But even if that was the case, he was still being selfless in his need to be selfish. Which was admirable in a twisted way.

The look in Logan's eyes was not unsympathetic. It was testament to how far their respect for each other had grown, such that genuinely apologetic disbelief was to be found reflected in his eyes. But Alec knew as well as he did, where Logan's loyalties lay and he was not fool enough to question it for a second.

"I'm not here to rub salt into the wound. I just wanted to tell you that, if the situation were different, I would be handing you my contact list right now, if you needed it."

Alec couldn't help himself. His head sank into his palms. It wasn't so much that Logan had voiced what he had feared, thus making it real. It was more that Alec knew he had lost it just when his fingertips brushed against the responsibility he was proud to take on. Knowing the opportunity was literally in his hands and he had let it slip. That he wouldn't even have the chance to prove he was capable. And knowing it was no one's doing but his own.

"I'm sorry," Logan added.

Alec shook his head.

"Don't be," he said, shaking his head as he looked up at the man, "you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who's missing out." He paused. "But I deserve this."

As much as Logan's basic human nature told him to assure the suddenly much older looking transgenic that he didn't deserve this, he couldn't. It was not his place to make Alec feel better.

"I'm telling you because I think you should know. Max won't be going on the MedTech raid. She fainted an hour ago and the medics are threatening her with barbiturates if she tries to leave."

"What?" Alec murmured, his brain firing on all cylinders and making no sense. Part of him wanted to go to her immediately, make sure she was okay. A dull pain dug at that part of him that was still hurting from his betrayal; dull pain at the thought that this was somehow his fault, that he had caused her to faint. And another wondered if she blamed him too.

"Is she okay?" Alec asked finally, looking at Logan once more.

"She'll be fine."

Alec nodded numbly, unsure of what to say next, either to Logan or Max.

"Can you tell her I hope she's okay?" he requested, knowing he was essentially repeating himself.

Logan regarded him, his eyes somewhat gentler but still dark with a hint of rediscovered distrust.

"Why don't you tell her yourself?"

Alec dared to raise an eyebrow an iota, but it lacked all the playfulness that came with the expression which ensued.

"I don't know if me knowing, won't anger her more. After what I did, I don't think she would think I have the right to care."

Logan's shoulders dropped slightly, his stance ever so slightly less guarded.

"I'm sure it won't do any harm," he said, watching Alec for a moment, before leaving.

Alec stared at the door momentarily before rising to his feet and going over to the window. He watched the Ordinaries of Seattle go about their nightly business. They were oblivious. To them, nothing had changed. They would never even know. Life continued as normal for them.

For him, though, life would not be the same. Not until he could fix this. If he could fix this. He had known there would be a price. He had simply never considered it, because ithad never occurred to him that he might ever be in a position to be the one paying.

But he was.

And Alec wasn't sure it was a price he could pay.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Well here's the next chapter; as you can probably tell by the speed (for me anyway!) of the updates, this story is something less laborious than Foreseen. In a way it is simpler – it deals with less; but is simultaneously more difficult in that it explores some very real emotions which many of us are not unfortunate enough to have to experience to their true extent. As such, this chapter may not feel like it has actually taken the story anywhere but I feel it is important to realise exactly what is going through the minds of all involved. Of course, don't take my word for it. If you disagree, let me know; reviews welcome.**

**Chapter 3**

Max blinked when she opened her door. She hadn't expected to find him at her apartment so soon. She knew she would have to see him at some point;he was difficult to avoid when they were supposed to run Terminal City together. But to have him make a conscious decision to come to her. She was caught a little off guard.

It seemed Alec was equally so because for a while, he stood, regarding her almost nervously. If she were not so wrought with incoherent and disjointed thoughts of their current situation, Max would have cocked her head with piqued interest. It was unusual to see Alec nervous. Rare even. He was always cocky. Inherently so. The slightest shred of self doubt was preserved beneath a multitude of layers and often times, Max wasn't sure Alec himself was allowed to see it.

But he finally found his tongue and a gleam of his old self assured self was reflected in his hazel green eyes.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," he said quietly, testily, unsure of his position. He didn't want to anger her; some part of him that refused to believe their friendship might be over, remembered that Max was always most easily roused irrationally. Alec showing that he cared was one of those irrational provocateurs. The tactical soldier side of his brain told him it was because it was outside the box she had him in. When he was consistently screwing up, she could deal with it because to her, that was his normal behaviour.

But Alec had stopped being a man of thought a while ago. He wasn't sure at what point but he knew many of his actions and decisions were now governed by emotion. By caring. But if that was the case, how could he have been so reckless? How could caring possibly justify hurting those he cared for the most?

"Thanks," Max replied, somewhat awkwardly. She couldn't really think what else to say. She hadn't had enough time to come to any reasonable conclusions regarding the situation. She still felt the echoes of betrayal and being let down resonate through her; logic and thought were only slow seeping their way in.

Alec opened his mouth to speak. But he didn't seem able to find the words. Or he wasn't sure what reaction those words might provoke. The dull pain that had occupied a part of him since the moment he had behaved as he had, reared its head once more. That he was reduced to being an overly cautious shadow of his former gloriously arrogant self. He couldn't help it. Couldn't help tip toeing around the eggshells that now appeared to dog his relationship with Max. If he hadn't lost her yet, Alec knew he was agonisingly close.

"Sorry, I know you probably don't want to see me, but," he paused again, analysing and over analysing what he might say next to ensure it wouldn't add fuel to the fire. It made for an extremely uncomfortable silence as Max waited, unsure of whether she was expected to step in and fill the gap that now engulfed them. She wouldn't know what to say anyway.

It wasn't that she didn't want to see him. Because want was something quite simple and this was anything but. The extent of his actions were so complicated by the many levels of their consequences that Max didn't see how it could be as simple as wanting, or not wanting to see him.

"If I were you I would have hit me already," Alec blurted out somewhat abruptly, looking up to meet her gaze. But the fire she might once have expected to find there to accompany such words, was absent. In its stead was a resigned failure to understand why she hadn't done something like physically attack him yet.

Max narrowed her eyes almost imperceptibly.

"I'm not angry with you," she told him slowly, not entirely sure that was what he seemed to be suggesting but guessing that was how he thought she felt.

And the confusion which was now staring back at her confirmed she was right.

Max shook her head, glancing down at her feet with a short, harsh laugh. It was a laugh that cut Alec deeper than he realised a laugh could. He resisted the flinch which came so instinctively with the sudden sick feeling in his stomach.

"I'm just hurt," Max said, looking at her hand which rested against the door frame. It was as if looking at him as she said it, would make it real, would confirm that Alec was indeed the person who had hurt her so badly. If she didn't look at him, maybe she could pretend she was talking to someone else.

"Hurt and upset," she continued, dropping her attention to her feet once more before finally meeting his expression, "I just don't understand why you did it, that's all."

And the simplicity of that statement served only to tear at Alec just a little more. It wasn't accusatory or anger fuelled. It was just unadulterated failure to understand.

"I…gotta go," Alec said, shooting her a furtive glance but not waiting for a response before turning to leave.

Max stared after him momentarily, thrown by the suddenness of his departure.

* * *

"Heat?" a familiar voice said from somewhere nearby.

Alec looked up, his hearing sharpening as he focussed in on their location.

"Yeah, y'know, the weather and all," came the less gruff and clearer voice that belonged to Luke.

"Weather, hot weather, Max faint," the first individual repeated, as if clarifying the matter.

"Yeah, X5s are still part human and you know what those are like."

The first relief Alec had let himself feel in the last few days, coursed through his body like cool water to parched lips. Like a life force he had refused for fear of it saving him, when he had no right…didn't deserve to be saved.

But he had been a little too hard to himself. It wasn't his fault after all. She had fainted because of the heat. It had nothing to do with him.

"Nothing wrong? No damage? Just heat and faint?"

"Well, the heat was the primary cause but Doc says stress set it off," Luke informed the other party Alec had recognised as Joshua almost as soon as he heard him speak.

At that, his heart sank. He had been too quick to forgive himself his blame. Stress. It could be any number of things. The MedTech raid had been the source of its fair share of headaches, that much Alec knew. And she was the leader of their little Freak Nation and with leadership came responsibilities. As her second-in-command, Alec knew this too. But how could he honestly bring himself to believe his little act was not without fault?

Alec jumped slightly when he realised the two voices were getting closer; they were heading in his direction. His eyes widened slightly in memory; in all his thoughts of how he had sold Max out, Alec had somehow forgotten that he was in fact shutting out the part of his guilt that concerned Joshua.

And he now remembered that while the big fella was neither upset, hurt, angry, nor generally composed of any ill feeling at all towards Alec for any reason, let alone that which haunted Alec of late, Alec himself still didn't know how to apologise for what he had done.

Joshua hadn't realised because he didn't have the resources to consider the full measure of his actions. But Alec did. Alec had been trained to fully assess every situation. And to act accordingly.

On this occasion, he had so miserably failed.

And yet so devastatingly succeeded.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Well here's the next one. Hopefully you guys think I listened to your reviews and find this chapter more substantial. If you can't guess already who the dead dude is then you don't deserve to know! Okay, maybe I'm joking but I do think the clues here are pretty obvious! Anyways, let me know what you think. **

**Chapter 4 **

There it was. The unmarked spot where they had left his body. They had known his people would come for him. Would probably give him the twisted proper sending off they thought he deserved. But Alec had no time to consider what they might have done with him after he and Joshua had broken him.

He stood, staring, eyes transfixed at what was, to many other eyes, an unremarkable section of the pebbly beach. Alec didn't suppose it could really be called a beach because seeing it, the rather ugly view, and being there, surrounded by warehouses and industrial buildings sending clouds of dirty grey fumes into the already cloudy skies of Seattle, didn't connate the usual beach side associations.

After all, nothing in the world had value without interpretation. Without subjection by society. Without conditioning by individuals And of all the people he could have omitted to prevent the death of, it had to be him. Of all the stupid, reckless, thoughtless acts he knew meant nothing to Max, he had to pick the one that was not only of value to her, but which he had absolutely no right to take from her.

Alec bent down and picked up a pebble that did not stand out from the thousands of others under his feet and along the stretch of shore. But he picked it up and threw it into the water, sending angry ripples through the otherwise calm surface.

Those ripples were not angry enough and he picked up another, a bigger pebble, not smooth like the first one, but rough and ugly, yet to be sanded down by nature. With all the hurt, upset, anger and self hatred in him, Alec hurled it at the waters, punishing the innocent calm for his own misdeeds.

He wanted to scream, to cry out and let the world feel his bitter, bitter hatred of himself. To know how heavy his heart felt, the heart he had worked so hard to protect lest anyone break it. Only he had forgotten to protect it from himself, hadn't thought he might be the one to inflict on it the measure of his betrayal.

But Alec refused to scream, to cry out and let the world feel his bitter, bitter hatred of himself. He didn't deserve to have the world bear his burden, didn't deserve the pain to let up. He deserved nothing than to keep the unrelenting weight selfishly to himself. Every breath he took never seemed to leave, only adding to the pressure that did not cease to build in the pit of his stomach.

Alec fell to his knees, his head in his hands as flashes of the events of only five days ago played in his mind's eye.

It had all been a coincidence. They hadn't known he would be there when they had taken the shore route back to Terminal City. They had come from Sandeman's house that was now Logan's base of operations. Joshua had wanted to feel the familiar safety that so called Father's house provided. It was his first home outside Manticore after all.

But there he had been. A car had driven away, leaving him behind. He hadn't looked best pleased. As he turned to get into his own car, he had caught a glimpse of them. The recognition was instant.

Alec hadn't slowed his pace any. He had no fear for this man. He was only one man. Even if his existence served only to put a thorn in Alec's side. And Max's at that. Still, neither fear nor ill feeling. Alec liked to think he was a pretty easy going guy. People very rarely got under his collar. They might irritate him slightly, draw a snarky comment from him, but on very seldom occasions did he rise to the bait.

He had forgotten about Joshua though.

And before he knew it, Alec was staring at a broken body, lying lifeless on the pebbles he now stood over, unable to get the image out of his head. It wasn't the face of a dead man looking back at him, but the face of what he had let happen, the betrayal that had taken place with the man's death.

Confusion raked his conscience. It had not been at his hands; for all intents and purposes he was completely blame free. He had neither counselled, procured nor advised, as a criminal court might find for intention to commit murder. Yet he had known the second the act was done, that the fault lie almost exclusively at his feet.

Not because she held him responsible for what Joshua did. She had come far from suffocating him in a blanket of over protectiveness. Max had realised at some point that while he may not be as technically trained as she was either mentally nor physically, Joshua was still a hybrid capable of independent thought. And as such, had a good grasp of the consequences of his actions.

No, the fault lay with him because she had come to trust him to do the right thing. And if it meant being responsible and making sure Joshua _didn't_ do the wrong thing then so be it.

She never spoke of it, nor ever even showed it often but somewhere along the way Alec had come to acknowledge that there were certain things Max expected of him. Screwing up was still taken for granted, she hadn't thought he would change that drastically. But she did expect him to pick a side when it came to a crunch between transgenic and his own self-serving ends. She expected him to come through for a friend, transgenic or not, and whatever the price to himself. She expected to be able to rely on him. To an extent, she depended on him.

And that expectation had grown to trust. She trusted him to pick a side. To be there for a friend. To rely on him. To depend on him. She trusted him to be for her.

He of all people had understood better than any just how much it had cost her to give him so much credit, so much of the most precious thing she could give. Alec was Max and Max was Alec in so many ways. And he knew how hard it had been for her to admit she needed him. Just like he needed her.

And he had all but thrown it back in her face. Just as she had tried so hard not to trust him, for the very same reason.

Alec knew if he was capable of tears, he would cry. If he was capable of cowardice, he would run. If he was capable of anymore pain, he would feel it.

But he wouldn't cry, because he wouldn't give in. He wouldn't run, because he owed it to himself, if not to Max, to prove he was a man bigger than his mistake. But most of all, he wouldn't cry and he wouldn't run, because to do neither would be to keep his pain in.

To keep his pain in, would be to hurt more.

And he knew no matter howhurt he might feel, it still wasn't enough.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: So this is kind of part 1 of chapter 5, only I've called the next one chapter 6 because I like all my things whole. So, this may seem a little lacking in story advancement but it will be more than just an exploration into Max's mind in part 2. I am aware the tone and style have changed somewhat from the first chapter; I am trying to recapture the glory of chapter 1 but it is still a little lacking. Reviews welcome.**

**Chapter 5**

Max watched him as he worked, the gentle brush strokes belying his outward appearance. The expression on his face was difficult to read; the disproportionate mix of canine in his cocktail meant his facial features were animal wearing human, rather than vice versa.

But it was the melancholic air that no longer seemed to hang about him as he painted which concerned Max. The innocence which had once clung so earnestly to him. In its stead was something she couldn't quite place; almost an angry confidence.

Max knew her emotions were misguided. She wasn't angry with Alec as she had already told him. But it was difficult to deny how let down she felt by him. It was unfair, that much she acknowledged. Had Alec not been with Joshua, had it been some other X5, she would most likely scream and shout and let everyone within Terminal City know of her displeasure. But she would get over it. What was done was done. There was no undoing past actions, no bringing back the dead.

And she wagered Alec would take her raging fury than the disappointment she currently directed at him. But that was the point. Some other X5 would be a transgenic she may have worked with at one point or another, or maybe not at all. At best that transgenic would have her acknowledgement.

Not the trust she had in Alec. Not the past she had shared with him since the day he had set foot inside her cell. Not the stumbling blocks they had had to negotiate in order to build the relationship they shared. Or once shared. None of the blood spilt, the sweat poured nor the tears cried. None of the history that made Alec mean so much to her.

Maybe she was angry on some level. Angry at the stupidity she thought he spared at least her. But she was too preoccupied with the hurt she felt that the history didn't seem to make her mean much to Alec. That he didn't seem to care for all the obstacles they had overcome to make their friendship so indestructible. Or so she thought. To upset that all the confidences she had shared with him had done nothing to earn her a second's thought in the execution of his definably reckless behaviour.

The questions raced through her mind, tumbling one after the other, falling over themselves to be given consideration.

It was Alec. But maybe he was just X5-494. A deep cover mission. Maybe she was the objective and everything and everyone else the collateral. All the files Logan had dug up since Manticore's demise had illuminated Alec. Or not, depending on the perspective. He was a soldier of the highest calibre. Only one failed mission of dozens of solo operations. Exemplar leadership skills. Stellar obedience and discipline. An all round model operative.

Except his inherent curiosity. The curiosity that left him open to distractions, alternate possibilities, but above all, feelings.

The Berrisford assignment had been the most important mission Alec had ever undertaken. His one failure spoke to her, volumes more than all his successes ever could. And in the year and a half since she had taken Manticore down and he had inevitably amalgamated his life with hers, Alec had only added evidence to his portfolio. Seamlessly proving time and again to her that he was becoming less of the man he once was, and becoming more of the man he had come to believe he could be.

But even if he was all the things she thought he had stopped being, how could she, Max Guevera, she of the mundane courier job, the cat burgling, the hand in the Eyes Only missions, be wrong? How could her trust be so misplaced? Her judgement so skewered?

She had survived so long in the world outside Manticore because of her innate distrust of people claiming to be her friends. Her trust was earned. She made them earn it. Call her bitch but she tested those around her mercilessly. Maybe it was the soldier in her that never allowed her to let her guard down around those not of her Unit. To constantly push them in order to reaffirm their loyalties.

But Alec, he had done more than earn her trust. He had earned a piece of her heart. The part that worried about him if he was more than a couple hours late from a job. The part that got angry when he finally showed up. The part that softened her anger when he spun her one of his ceaselessly charming lines. And the part that flared up when a mindless bimbo flashed him a dazzling smile and he gave them his attention.

Max wasn't as stubborn as she had been when he had first come into her life, lying to his face if it meant denying him the right to be right. She had grown up when she thought she was done with it. She still denied what others knew to be true, still sticking to her guns if she thought there was any possibility she could be right, but she no longer lied to herself. And the truth was, she cared about Alec.

Only she had forgotten caring meant risking. Caring meant hurting. And that was what hurt the most. Not that Alec had let her down so badly but that he didn't seem to care enough about her to think how it might affect her.

And if she was angry, then most of it was anger at herself. At how she could be so stupid as to expect anything from him. Thinking he could change was one thing. But believing he could give her the kind of consideration she gave him, that was outright foolishness.

And maybe that was in fact what stabbed at her the most: that she now had cause to doubt him.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Huh, well, this came out a lot shorter than I intended; maybe I should have just posted it within chapter 5 after all. Ah well. To make up for the badness of not having posted in like, a week, the next chapter will be out tomorrow. It's a goodie. More confusion to follow. w00t! Reviews welcome.**

**Chapter 6 **

"Max."

Max jumped a little, turning to find Logan regarding her with a warm but guarded expression.

"Hey you," she managed, her voice tired through lack of use. She hadn't spoken much. She had no one to speak to. No one who could understand.

"How you doing?" Logan inquired, taking a step closer.

Max didn't budge. She knew he wouldn't come closer than was safe. Not when he knew she was too preoccupied to be careful right now.

Max shrugged.

"Y'know." It wasn't a very expansive answer. And it wasn't that she didn't want to confide in Logan. She just didn't know what to say. She didn't even know what to think, what with all the doubts hurtling through her brain.

Logan cocked his head slightly.

"He's punishing himself pretty hard," he said evenly, watching her keenly.

Her expression didn't shift though her shoulders sagged a little and she gave out a small almost helpless sigh.

"What am I supposed to do? Tell him not to?"

Logan paused. It was an interesting question. He knew Max was upset at what she perceived to be the loss of a friend. And he knew she was asking herself if she had actually lost him. Because he knew she didn't want to lose him, because she was now so used to having Alec in her life.

He knew her dilemma because it was the same reason he couldn't bring himself to be angry at Max for lying to him. For not correcting him when he had given her the chance to. To put him out of his misery and assure him nothing was going on between her and Alec. But she hadn't. She had seen it as the only way to push him away. She had resorted to using Alec, to break up with him.

A more dignified man might cut his losses and move on with his life without Max in it. But routine wouldn't allow for it. He was so used to her constant presence, her self preserving yet continually selfless ways, her attitude and just the way her being in his life made it a little bit more exciting. He supposed that was how Alec was to her.

Logan Cale was not a foolish man, but he was still a man.

"Did he say anything to you? Mention why? Anything?" Max asked after a while, meeting his gaze. Logan ignored the tiny sting that came with the almost desperate look in her eyes. She needed some reason, some explanation, _something_ to excuse his actions, so badly that she couldn't even hide it behind the mask she otherwise wore so well.

Logan shook his head slightly.

"Only that he was concerned at how personally you were taking it," he replied, searching his memory for anything more useful he could give her, to help her understand.

But it was the wrong thing to say. Because the desperation in her eyes was now gone. And in its place the familiar angry gleam he had expected a while ago, now shone fiercely back at him.

Logan blinked. Now her anger had been sparked.

"How personally I was taking it?" Max repeated quietly, her eyes narrowing.

"I don't think he –" Logan began in a futile attempt to amend the situation he had inadvertently created.

But he was cut off by a coarse laugh.

"And to think he understood."

Before Logan could utter another word, Max had turned and left.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Well, here it is as promised. Next chapter. Much revealed, much more not! Reviews welcome. Let me know if you think this is nearly as good as chapter one. Hopefully more suspense of a new variety is created. And hopefully you feel like you get answers to your questions, with enough new questions to keep you interested!**

**Chapter 7**

She didn't take time to think about it. To calm down and process the new information rationally. Her impulses were screaming at her to react exactly as she was doing now. Storming up the stairs to his apartment. To confront him.

Her skin almost hummed with a barely contained anger. She was a hot headed individual. This was a widely acknowledged fact. But a woman scorned had no fury like hers right now. The sheer rage at his audacity.

She didn't bother knocking or listening to make sure he was even in before she wasted the theatrics of her performance on a possibly empty apartment. Because she wasn't doing this for show and whether he saw it or not she would still be outraged.

Alec jumped when the door to his apartment flew open with a thunderous clap. He spun on his heels to find the seething image of Max bearing down on him.

But when she got to him, she was at a loss for words. The angry outbursts stumbled over themselves in her mind and she simply did not know which to launch at him first.

"Max?" Alec murmured testily, as unsure of himself as he was ever going to be.

Max shook her head, the fire in her eyes undiminished and seeming in fact, to burn brighter with every second of silence that went unfilled.

Finally she spoke. But for all he was nervous when she was angry, Alec would have chosen a furious tirade over the eerily calm voice she instead directed at him.

"Just when I thought things between us couldn't get any worse, I find you judging me, to Logan?"

Alec narrowed his eyes, a brief moment of confusion crossing his handsome features. But realisation dawned on him as his memory brought him back to the conversation he had with the older man a couple of weeks back.

He opened his mouth to speak but should have known better.

"How can you pretend to understand my actions and my reasons, when you so clearly don't?" she asked, the anger fast becoming disdain and disgust and that cut at him more than the infuriation.

"Max," Alec began lamely, before finding his feet somewhat, "I said I was worried about how much responsibility you were taking on about what happened. I didn't want you to make a decision you wouldn't make if you weren't upset."

"So you thought you'd make it for me? You thought you'd kill White and take the decision right out of my hands?"

Alec barely contained his flinch at that. It was the elephant in the room they had discussed without actually mentioning. And she had said it. So plainly thrown into conversation, no drum roll or dramatic build up. Just a statement of facts. Even if it wasn't literally true there was no denying the role he had in the death of the man assigned to bring down the transgenic cause.

"I didn't think. I told you already," Alec said, knowing he was repeating earlier sentiments, so much so it was becoming a line even he was sick of hearing.

Max narrowed her eyes at him, as if considering him, reading him like an open book.

And Alec had never felt so vulnerable. Not since the last time he was strapped to that metal table with the laser hovering over his right pupil.

Her gaze seemed to sear straight through him, finding every flaw in him and shoving it under a glaringly bright spotlight. He felt naked and exposed with nowhere to hide, no place to run, fixed to the spot, unable to move.

"After all you've done and you still have the nerve to take the moral high ground?" she asked after an audible silence filled with nothing but crackling tension.

Alec frowned, genuinely puzzled. He almost laughed.

"High ground?" he repeated, shaking his head, "what high ground? I have nothing," he assured her.

"Worried about how much responsibility I was taking on?" Max quoted himself back at him, the hint of a sarcastic smirk in her eyes.

She was judging. Judging him in a way no one but he had the right to judge. Stripping him bare, wrenching him from his façade and his mask. And Alec did nothing to stop her. Knowing it was thoroughly deserved after all he had taken from her.

In one sheer moment of stupidity and thoughtlessness.

"If things between us were ever fixed I would have raised it with you myself," Alec told her with all the sincerity he could muster from the pits of doubt he was now drowning in.

"And in the mean time you would judge me to the only other man I trusted as much as you?"

At this point Alec would normally have felt frustration at the way she kept pushing what seemed to him a completely redundant point. And he would have called her on it. But those feelings felt like they belonged to a different person. Like they were resigned to a past long passed.

"I wasn't judging you," Alec said tiredly.

"What exactly do you call 'taking it too personally'? You had no right to say that to anyone about me. To even think it. You think you were upset about what happened? She meant more to me than you could even dream," Max informed him, the edges of her voice straining to contain some emotion that had nothing to do with him.

Alec stayed silent.

"I had every _right_ to take it personally. She was family. And he killed her."

Max paused to let the fact sink in once more.

"White killed her."

Alec closed his eyes, letting the words slide over him, anything but to listen to what she was saying. Because it wasn't the words that tore at the pieces of his treacherous heart. It was the pain, the sheer unadulterated pain in her voice.

"Then you let Joshua kill him."

Alec opened his eyes to look at her and found himself hurt even more at the sight of the silent tears staining her beautiful face.

He claimed to have her back and he was the first one to stab her in it. He claimed to care about her and he was always the one to make her cry.

"You never gave me a chance Alec," Max said, her voice quiet, all the rage dissipated. In its stead was heartache.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sincere apologies for the confusion caused by my deletion of this chapter. First attempt, I had the keen eyed Kiwilass point out that the story was in fact, fatally erroneous. So I took it down to change it (upon Kiwi's recommendation). Here it is re-posted. Again, sorry for the 'outdated links' etc. in your story alerts. Thanks (or not for the extra work :P) to the indispensable Kiwilass.**

**Secondly, I wrote this before I got all the feedback from everyone saying they were beginning to get annoyed at the confusion I seemed to have imbued in all my chapters thus far. I like to think I listen to my readers so chapter 9, which was in progress, shall end with hopefully the bigger picture being revealed to you all. Until then, I hope you don't give up on the story! Reviews much appreciated.**

**Chapter 8 **

"Little Fella?" a hauntingly familiar growl came from behind her.

Max dropped her gaze slightly before turning to face her canine friend.

"Hey Joshua."

The Big Fella cocked his head slightly, like he did when something unfamiliar struck him.

"Max angry?" he guessed.

Max let out a cross between a short laugh and a sigh. She shook her head, crossing her arms as she took a few steps closer to Sandeman's first Manticore creation.

"No, I'm not angry," she assured him, but stepped no closer.

She felt like there was an invisible wall that had now sprung up between her and Joshua. Something keeping the distance between them, breaking the close bond they had once shared.

She had told no lie. She wasn't angry with Joshua. How could she be angry when she had given him no reason not to do what he did? All she had once said was that they couldn't risk the cavalry storming in to find bodies strewn about the upstairs of Jam Pony.

A lot had changed since then. A lot more lives had been lost on White's account. And not just transgenics with no real close relationship to either Max or any of those she cared about. People who had no part in this fight had been caught in the crossfire. Collateral damage. That's what they used to call it at Manticore.

Only they weren't at Manticore anymore. Why were they still sustaining so many fatalities in the name of a means to an end? What was the end?

"Max not angry with Joshua?"

Max shook her head again, glancing down at her feet before looking back over the view of the city from the building atop which their transgenic flag flew proudly.

"He hurt Annie. And that hurt you," she stated simply.

Only it wasn't quite that simple. Because that implied a right on his part, to avenge her death. But if he had a right to avenge Annie, why was she so angry that she would now not have the chance to avenge her own family?

Did she honestly think she was more entitled to take White's life because the person he had killed meant more to her than Annie did to Joshua? Was she really so deluded and arrogant as to honestly believe that?

But if she didn't, why was she so upset at a lost opportunity she would now never be able to reclaim?

"Little Fella want to kill White?" Joshua wondered, a mixture of curiosity but also a need to define the strange emotion he sensed from her.

Did she? If White were still alive, would she want to kill him? She hadn't killed since the day she turned and ran from the place that made her. No, that was a lie. That place had caught up with her the day she took the life of her own brother. He with the beautiful face but the dark soul who had murdered so many innocent civilians in the name of a fictional character.

But the remorse and regret of that day had not diminished nor left her. It stayed with her like a second shadow.

Would she feel sorry for killing someone who had made her life such a chore since the day Manticore had burned to the ground? Who had made the Escape and Evade sessions of her formative years seem like positive fun? Who hunted her transgenic family like a mindless dog with no scent other than the blood already spilt?

"I don't know Big Fella," was all she could say in response. If she was honest then that was it. Max couldn't say for sure what her decision would have been had White still been alive for her to make it.

On the one hand, her stubbornly strong sense of self and moral would never allow her to sink to the depths from which she had worked so hard to rise and escape. To kill would be to give in to the animal within and to the very purpose for which she had been created. Worse, it would be to surrender everything she had worked so hard for in the last decade, to the one place she had sworn never to let claim another victory over her.

She was not an animal. She was human. She had a sense of right and wrong. She had a measure of conscience. She had a heart that felt remorse. She had a mind that never let her forget.

But what if that heart bled for the life that had been taken? And that mind reminded her daily of the face she had been too late to save? And the conscience told her to not seek revenge would be to disrespect the memory of the one who had once been?

"Joshua knows."

Max looked up at him with a soft frown.

"Joshua not sorry. White killed Annie. He had to die."

Max dropped her gaze slightly, staring off past Joshua.

"Max leader. Max have to fix Terminal City. Save the world. Max cannot kill."

And there it was. In black and white, clear as day. Joshua had somehow known all along she couldn't do it. Even if she could override her morals and take his life, the world would make her pay by launching all out war on Terminal City. She was responsible for more than just herself now. And if she ever forgot, if she ever slipped up, there would be a public baying for blood, on hand to remind her.

It was a decision taken out of her hands before she was ever allowed to properly decide. Even when it felt like White had ripped her heart out from her body and made her watch it beat, Max had never been allowed to choose revenge. Because as much as she had lost that day, there was still so much more for her to lose.

"No," she submitted, before meeting his gaze, "I'm not angry or upset because White is dead. I'm worried because you took a man's life. And I'm hurt that Alec let you."

It was Joshua's turn to frown.

"Why?"

It was such a simple question. But the implications were many.

Why was she worried that White had died at Joshua's hands? Joshua had killed before; his own brother nonetheless, just like her. So why had she taken exception on this occasion?

Because it initiated him as true Manticore alumni, where murder was the first resort, not the last.

But was this true? Was she not in fact concerned because Isaac's death had been the lesser of two evils. White's, on the other hand, was a crime of passion, motivated by no less than Joshua's grief. His pain at the loss of the first person, the first Ordinary, to accept him for who he was, not what he was. The first person to care for him because she wanted to and not, in whatever small part, because she felt obliged to.

While it was no less than a pain Max could understand better than she wished to, it was still no more than raw emotion. Instinctive almost. Primal. Animalistic. So was it not in fact concern that it might awaken his dormant nature? That it would be the beginning of a process that would eventually colour his heart black?

Or maybe, it was simply that she could no longer cling to the moral fibre which she so manifestly believed defined him. That she could no longer look to him and see a melancholic innocence she so desperately needed to believe she was once possessed of. That she could no longer turn to Joshua and find even fleeting respite from the repulsion borne of the knowledge that killing came naturally to her.

Gone was her only window to a past when the innate ability to take lives was not a foregone conclusion.

Now, he was just like her.

"Because it's my job to keep you safe. And you should never have felt like killing White was your only option," she replied finally, her voice a mixture of tiredness and resignation. She had failed him.

Joshua regarded her with an unreadable expression.

"Why Max upset with Alec?"

Max shook her head slightly and faced him with a frown.

"Alec didn't kill White. Joshua killed White."

Max's gaze drifted past him once more.

And the memories assaulted her once more.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Okay, so don't pelt fruit at me just yet. I know I said all would be clear by end of this chapter but I started writing it and well, hopefully you'll see why I couldn't just reveal all; it simply didn't fit with the tone of where this chapter was headed. But, you get one piece of clarity: hopefully, you will begin to realise where the feelings of betrayal, so devastating, comes from. Reviews welcome.**

**Chapter 9 **

Max stared at the sightless eyes staring back up at her from a face that was still warmly familiar. Only it was no longer warm.

She was dead. Cold as the chill that now stalked her spine.

No life. No breath. No beating of her heart.

She was actually dead.

And Max looked up, the world around her drowned out and melting into nothing as she saw nothing but him. The mercilessly eyes that now laughed at her. The eyes of the one who had so heartlessly broken her neck. Just a snap.

Max had heard the bone crack. It made no difference that he had held her struggling form twenty feet away. Her gift that on this day was her curse meant she had heard it as clearly as if she had broken it herself.

And then she heard nothing. But a scream. A silent scream that did not stop. That she could not shut out. That echoed inside her head like it came from there.

And it had. A scream all her years at Manticore had taught her never to voice. So she hadn't.

Then silence. Absolute silence. But for the gloating smile on his twisted ugly face. And the dance in his eyes. The dance to the tune of her pain. At what she had lost.

Before she knew where she was or what she was doing, she was at his side. Dancing with him. An ugly dance that lacked rhythm. As her fists flew in a frenzy. Never landing on their target. Never coming close. Her loss impairing her control. Her unshed tears clouding her vision. Her rage dirtying her skill.

Every block succeeded only in angering her more. And before she knew how it had happened, all her hatred for him had been filtered down into one single wild untamed punch. And such was the ferocity that he faltered and it land squarely on his right temple.

Then she was on him like a black panther to its prey. Unyielding, unforgiving and uncaring.

A flurry of hideously violent blows to every part of his head. Then more to his hard body that soon became soft under her mindless, ceaseless attack.

Then something held her arms. Someone. Grabbed her and wouldn't let her go. She fought. Fought back with all the grief that coursed through her. He was only barely strong enough but he was stronger.

The poor victim of her merciless fury was now a prone figure strewn upon the pebbled rough ground. Blood seeped from his broken nose, leaked from his cracked lip, trailed from his head.

Then she stopped struggling. He almost dropped her suddenly limp form in surprise. Her entire person was boneless in his arms. He felt the life flee her spent body. He forced away the sick feeling in his gut.

It was her will to fight. Her determination to survive. Her desire to live. Her indomitable spirit had finally been broken. And he was holding her as that broken spirit fled.

Alec released her slowly, for fear of her collapsing where they stood without his support. But she remained as she was, like a statue frozen in place, suspended where time could not reach her, motionless.

Alec let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. But it was a breath he had been holding. It was a breath that stole all the fear in him. Because he knew what he could expect to see when he stepped round to face her front.

Those few occasions he had seen errant soldiers brought from re-indoctrination, the expressions they wore…he had never forgotten. Lifeless. Eyes seeing nothing, and through everything.

Even those memories could not prepare him for the vacant look which greeted him when he emerged in her line of vision. The haunted shadows reflected in her eyes. Feeling nothing and seeing even less. She was empty, no more than a shell.

She blinked because the nerves were programmed to. She stood because her muscles remembered how. She breathed because her lungs demanded air. But in her mind the cogs had stopped turning, the wheel stopped going round.

Alec suppressed the instinctive flinch that came with the sight of her before him. Less than a ghost of her gloriously passionate former self.

But he did not suppress the sparks of anger that now began to build. His fingertips tinkling, the shiver which started in his arms and spread down his spine.

White. He who had hunted them like animals for so long. He had finally achieved much more than her death. Dying was a blessing next to the lifeless vessel she had now become. Even on the doorstep to the other side of life, Alec knew Max would have fought, remained resilient, challenging –

He was torn from his thoughts by a gurgle.

His attention snapped to the still breathing individual on the floor.

It hadn't been a gurgle.

It had been a laugh.

In less than the blink of an eye Alec had White in a stranglehold, his feet not even scraping the gravel beneath them.

Still his eyes danced with mirth.

For the purposes of the Conclave, White had failed. But for his own, White had immeasurably succeeded. Breaking her body was easy after breaking her will.

"You can kill me, but there's plenty more where I came from," White told Alec calmly, the quiet arrogance infuriating Alec further. His grip tightened.

White smiled.

His own arm flew out to Alec's throat and squeezed ruthlessly. The abrupt and entirely unexpected loss of breath caught him off guard, and his fingers loosened. In the next second Alec was back on the offensive but it was all White needed.

"Your girlfriend doesn't seem quite as feisty now does she?" White wanted to know, cocking his head at her unmoving form.

Alec clenched his fists, rocking to his toes, his calves tensed, ready to spring upon the poor excuse for a man. But then logic seized him from emotion. There was nothing to be gained from attacking White once more. The damage had been done.

Alec had lost a friend, and the fear which momentarily paralysed him at the thought of losing another, kept him from launching another assault on the Familiar. His own anger, his own grief and pain, it would have to wait. But moreover, Alec didn't want to tempt fate by lashing out prematurely. For all he could pray, Max might not be beyond him.

White saw the hesitation in his stance. And let out a short laugh.

"I don't think you'll find her nearly as entertaining now that she won't fight back," he taunted, approaching Max. Alec tensed, daring White to step closer.

Step closer he did. Followed by a lightning fast right hook to her fragile features.

Alec leapt on him in a flash, pure reflex and instinct. To say he was incensed was giving him too much credit. Thought and emotion deserted him the moment his mind registered the unprovoked act of aggression on Max.

The hollow laugh which came from White as he endured yet another round of furious blows tipped Alec to reality. He threw himself off the man, suspicion clouding his eyes. Alec followed the direction of White's gaze as he sat up.

And that's when he felt all the life flee his own body.

Max was lying sprawled on the ground, right arm tucked uncomfortably beneath her, left arm beside her head. It was how she had landed when she had taken the hit. And the look in her eyes had never changed.

"See?"

Alec barely heard him. He couldn't even tear his gaze away from her.

"Leave."

White turned his attention to Alec. But Alec didn't repeat the instruction.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Sorry for the delay people; all sorts of problems I don't care to bore you all with. Here's the next chapter. If there are still questions and confusions at the end of this, then I throw my hands up in despair. Hopefully though, that shan't be the case. If it is, holla. You know I can take it. Reviews welcome anyway.**

**Chapter 10**

Biggs frowned. A quick scan of Crash had shown a familiar figure occupying his favourite perch at the bar. Only –

"Hey man, don't you have a meeting with a supplier tonight?" he asked, leaning into Alec's line of vision.

The startled transgenic moved back slightly before breaking out into a grin. But even if Biggs wasn't super human, he still knew Alec too well to miss the strain behind an expression that came so easily to him. He narrowed his eyes at his former Unit member.

"You alright?" Biggs asked, eyes attentive but devoid of curiosity or intent.

The right corner of Alec's mouth tugged upwards before he polished off the last of his Scotch and set the glass down with a satisfying clink.

"I'm always alright," Alec replied, with a mild shake of his head to reaffirm the fact.

Biggs shot him a dubious look as Alec rose and left.

He had missed the meeting with the supplier by two hours already. He had been caught completely off guard by Biggs. The memory that had stolen his attention from the world, was still fresh in his mind. It was not a sight he ever wanted to bear witness to again, but Alec knew the emptiness in Max's eyes was not something he would ever forget.

There were a great many things he was not sure of, but uncertainty rarely troubled him. The not knowing whether he would ever see the life in her eyes once more, was a fear which conquered him in his entirety.

In that moment, Alec had known the measure of his loyalty to Max. It was absolute. There was nothing he wasn't prepared to do to unbreak her, to fix her. And he knew only he could. Because he was the only one who saw her.

Max was the face of the transgenic cause; to have the residents of Terminal City see their leader broken would have been the unsticking of the glue which held them all in place. To have the baying public see the enemy so broken would have been the beginning of their victory. And Alec wasn't about to let that happen.

Yet somehow, he had managed to forget the struggle he had carried single-handedly, making her excuses while searching ceaselessly for some way to bring her back to them. To him.

Alec allowed himself a bitter, ironic smile as he wondered through the gates of TC. Ironic that it would then be him to break her all over again.

"Look what the cat dragged in," was the first thing that greeted him as Alec stepped inside their make shift central command.

Alec shot the owner of the gruff drawl a questioning gaze, waiting for the rest of the sentence.

"You're heading out in twenty minutes," Mole told him, examining the rifle in his hands before running the cloth over the barrel once more.

Alec stopped, frowning.

"What?"

This time Mole looked up, the cigar in his mouth still, his eyes unreadable.

"Gallery heist, Pretty Boy."

Alec stared at him for the briefest of seconds before his memory served him up a reminder that tonight he was supposed to go in undercover at an exhibition for Van Gogh's recovered works, lost in transport, not without his interference.

"Where's CeCe?" he asked, recovering from his uncharacteristic slip.

"Heat," was Mole's short reply, "you drew the short straw. Max is waiting for you at her place."

"Thanks," Alec replied, hiding the apprehension which seized him the moment Mole told him CeCe had been replaced.

He wasn't ready to face her alone again.

XXXXX

She saw him. He was like a dream that never ended. He was all she was dimly aware of in the weeks following what White had done. Nobody else existed. Not transgenics, not Logan, not Joshua. Nothing else was real. Not the fight for freedom, not the search for the cure. He was all she saw.

_The pretty man with the hazel green eyes. They danced with amusement and mischief once, she was sure. But that surety seemed consigned to a past she had long outlived. She didn't think it. She felt it. As much as she could in the void which otherwise seemed to fill her._

_She was aware of herself only slightly more than she was of him. She heard him, moving about the apartment, taking care of things. And when he wasn't busy making sure she was eating, drinking, sleeping, he would sit and just talk to her._

_His words slipped over her, past her, as if for someone behind her, beside her, but not her. She never heard what he said but she made no move to not listen. It was oddly comforting, a steady drone that drilled through her senses and meekly kept the tugging weight at bay. It kept her chained to a reality of sorts. As long as he talked, she knew she was alive._

Max blinked the memory away. She hadn't recalled it until that very point Joshua had asked her why she was upset with Alec. It was only then that she realised she really didn't know. Her disappointment in him was apparent, the hurt she felt by him was tangible. He had let her down, had misplaced her trust, dismissed what he understood and thrown away their friendship. She stood by that still. Just as he had stood by her. So how could she not forgive him?

Max looked down at her hands, nails neat and clipped, polished and varnished. She remembered his hands over her own, rough and neglected. Some days were clearer than others in her memories. Most days were an unspectacular blur. She had been no more than a shell, existing but foregoing her right to life. And he had sat with her, his hands vaguely reassuring in their warmth. On the good days, Max remembered Alec speaking to her with his usual rancour and wit, holding a conversation with himself but as if he heard her silent replies. He knew her so well he anticipated her every reaction, her every response.

And she knew him well enough to know screwing up was inherent to him. Max allowed herself a dry smile to the empty apartment. She supposed she should find it consoling. That he made mistakes, so many and so often. It made him more human. Removed him from the cold, calculated manner of the soldier he was so good at being otherwise. As a soldier, he was flawless.

Ben had been flawless in his military discipline. Zack was flawless in his military command. Krit and Syl, they were flawless in their military obedience. She…Max could be flawless. Except she felt too much and thought too often. Who was she, ultimately, to judge Alec for his shortcomings? He had shown a callous disregard for her trust when he let White die, but he had more than earned that trust in the first place. Inevitably, it was therefore her own fault that she was as upset as she was when he told her what happened.

A quiet knock at the door sprung her from her reverie. She could hear his too calm, controlled steady breathing on the other side. She looked down at herself, at the unspectacular black floor length dress which was brought to life on her long, lithe body. It would do.

She opened the door. Their gazes collided in unrehearsed but almost choreographed synchronicity. The instant understanding between them was lost but Alec couldn't look away, the earnestness in her brown eyes holding him in place. He was surprised, Max saw it in the almost imperceptible widening of his eyes. He had come prepared for every scenario, but this: to be silently forgiven.

"You ready to go?" she asked finally, breaking the silence.

Alec nodded shortly and took a step back to allow her room to close the door behind her.

He allowed himself to take in the rest of her appearance as she did so. The strapless dress seemed to shimmer in the dim lighting of her hallway, even though it did not glitter in its own right. It fitted her form well, sailing over the contours of her body as if tailor made. It was not outstanding of its own accord but Max always had a way of accentuating the qualities of everything around her. Even him.

Alec wanted to tell her she looked good. Beautiful in fact. But the pieces of their friendship were not repaired and he wasn't sure on what grounds he might venture any comment of the sort.

"You clean up well," Max remarked, turning to face him, her face open and honest, unteasing. And it was no lie. His physical being was a model waiting to be dressed, a template which complemented anything he wore. That the tux fitted well on him came as no surprise to her.

But it was the vulnerability in his eyes which he could not hide, that was what sent shivers down her spine. It was all too reminiscent of the expression Ben wore when he had silently asked her to do what he knew he shouldn't ever have asked her to. Yet somehow, it reflected differently in Alec. It was not a desperate plea but a genuine melancholic honesty.

"Thanks. You look good too," Alec replied, almost shyly, unsure of himself, of his words, of his feet as they made their way down to the car Logan had hired for the evening.

He felt like he imagined one might feel on their first date, filled with uncertainty as to how the girl felt, what she was thinking. And it was strange because he knew Max better than he knew himself, and then he had already lost everything he had worked so hard to get from her, so Alec didn't really understand why he felt like he was stepping on egg shells. Unless he thought he still had a chance to make it right.

They rode to the gallery in almost complete silence. It wasn't awkward but it wasn't the most comfortable. It wasn't too different to any other time they had spent together in close quarters. Only this time neither made any attempt at witty irritating jokes at the other's expense.

The driver appeared to have sensed some underlying tension the moment they got in the car because he had immersed himself in music of the classical variety and seemed oblivious to their presence. His voice was slightly too high to be professional when he stopped outside the gallery and said, "here you are."

"Thanks," Max offered him almost apologetically but not quite caring enough what the driver thought.

"We should be in and out in an hour, have your radio on," she informed him through the passenger window. He nodded.

Max turned to find Alec watching her tentatively, waiting. She held his gaze briefly, before giving him a small smile, her eyes warm, reassuring. She saw his guard fall an iota as he offered her his arm, before they proceeded to the join the steady stream of guests filing up the steps to the gallery entrance.

Alec blanked his expression before adopting a mask appropriate for the occasion. He had to hide behind something because he knew Max had misinterpreted the slip in his guardedness. He was no sooner comfortable being in her presence as he had been at her apartment.

Because when he had looked into her eyes at that moment, he hadn't seen the warm sincerity which indicated her willingness to forgive him, or even her forgiveness.

He had seen in his mind's eye the moment she had finally broken her silence those weeks back.

"White killed her."

Alec had blanched.

"OC's dead."


End file.
